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Secret To A Happy Relationship!

If you’ve had friends who are into relationships, you would have, just like me, heard that common phrase “He/she just doesn’t get me”. That sentence comes out of exasperation and is never intended to be an ultimatum or even a complaint. To such people, I would say just one thing, if your partner doesn’t “get” what you are saying then say it in a way that they get it. Each person is unique in his or her own way and so is the case about the way in which that person would perceive the world and the people around. Understanding how that person perceives makes a whole world of difference to happy relationships. Somebody may say “ it looks good” and somebody may say it, “sounds good” and somebody else may say it, “feels good” and they could be describing the very same thing. That leaves us smiling as to how humans differ in perception.

What makes every person unique is the way they sense the external world and make an internal experience in their minds. Childhood experiences also play a major role in forming certain stereotypes in our minds. An approaching dog may evoke two completely different states and responses from two people. For someone like me, it would invoke a smile and an open arm gesture to indicate a warm hug. For someone else, it would leave him in cold sweat. We all look at the world differently. So whose way of looking is better? Well, there’s nothing as right nor wrong because it’s just perspective anyway.

Have you heard someone saying in exasperation, “I said the right thing, the other person got it wrong”; if he/she doesn’t get it then it’s his/her problem. Well, a simple role reversal could show how the way something is said, the choice of words, the tone, the facial expressions while saying it, all aid in perceiving it as a positive or a negative message. Many a relationship could be saved had it not been the misunderstandings arising out of the inappropriate use of words and a tone you never meant to use. It leaves us explaining as to how we never meant what we ourselves said.

You may choose this easy way out or choose another way to communicate with your partner. Understanding the mind of your partner, understanding the language being used, the outlook towards the world and tweaking your communication accordingly, goes a long way in strengthening relationships. It may seem quite a task initially but once mastered, it will enable a deeper connection with your partner and an easy, smooth communication. Well, we all love when we have great relationships with our partners that is based on healthy communication.

Great sales guys, mass leaders, motivational speakers, teachers or any other influential people are able to flex their communication style so that the other person gets it exactly the way it was intended. It is all the more challenging when you’re addressing a large team or crowd. How do they do this?

- By observing the tonality ( How can I use this: try recording your conversation with different people like your partner, business associates, direct reports or seniors)

- By observing the use of words in the language (How can I use this: Remember- “we can make it possible” is always better than “you must do this”)

- By observing the body language (How can I use this: a grumpy face vs a smiling face, crossed arms vs open arms)

- Decide what examples and words does your partner use. If your partner uses “feel” words (happy, tensed, sad, frustrated) and you use “see” words (bright, beautiful, dull), you have a sensory mismatch. Try getting on the same page as your partner so that he/she can “get you” better.

Take ownership of your communication, refine it till your partner gets it. It is an amazing journey because what it leads you to is not just great communication but strong relationship and a happy family.


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